Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
