This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
