just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
