I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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