I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
