After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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