Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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