3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
