Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
