I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
