So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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