Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
