Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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