ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
