Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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