All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
