He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
