The maid of honor just puked.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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