Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Randomize
