He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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