Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
