I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
That reminds me...we need to get swords
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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