btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
