Whod you bang
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
