I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
