I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
