that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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