I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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