Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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