and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
