peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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