Will you blow on my dice?
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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