This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
