just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
