I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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