I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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