fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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