If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
