You're so nebulous sometimes
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
