true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
