I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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