So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
