haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Randomize
