youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
