I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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