as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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