Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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