Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
