you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
