I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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