Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
